You don’t need to see the whole staircase, you just need to take the first step.
- Martin Luther King Jr.
Let's take a moment to reflect on fear. Yes, we’re talking about dancing, but even if you’re an experienced and confident dancer, think about another area of your life where fear holds you back. What’s stopping you from taking that first step? Why are you hesitating to ask that question? Procrastinating making that call? Why?
For many of us, the answer is simple: fear.
Fear of the unknown. Fear of failure. Fear of embarrassment. Fear of not being good enough. Fear of judgment. Fear of loss. The list goes on. We let fear take over. We listen to it. We give it a voice in our heads. We allow it to control our actions and live in our bodies. We play small, we suppress our expressions, we hold back our dreams, we avoid risks, and we stay stuck. And when I say we, I mean all of us—collectively.
Fear is not a bad thing. It protects us from danger; both real and imagined. In modern days the small spaces that fear holds us in are often more damaging than the fear itself. Reflect for a second: what are some opportunities you turned down or missed because of fear?
Now that we've acknowledged fear, let's talk about courage. You can't have one without the other. Courage appears in the face of fear. My favorite definition of courage comes from Brene Brown: "Courage is the willingness to be vulnerable and show up in life."
Wow, that packs a punch. How often do you not show up in life because of fear? Yikes. Author is guilty times ten.
As a dance instructor, I’m fortunate to witness courageous people showing up in their lives in a very vulnerable spot: the dance floor. Courage has different forms. It’s the single person driving over an hour to attend their first dance class. It’s the young parents finding a sitter so they can invest in themselves and their relationship. It’s the empty nesters who’ve always dreamed of dancing but prioritized careers and kids instead.
It’s nothing short of inspiring to watch these brave souls walk through that door, knowing they’re entering an unfamiliar world filled with challenge and uncertainty-and they still show up.
We all know that first step onto the dance floor can be terrifying. Whether you’re dancing with a partner you know or a stranger, it’s hard not to feel anxious. Everyone is trying not to fail or embarrass themselves. We can ease that anxiety by building a little empathy for ourselves and our fellow dancers.
As a follow, you might feel as if any misstep reflects badly on both you and your partner. You might worry that a mistake will embarrass them or expose you as a poor dancer. Your confidence can plummet. You stiffen, try harder, and get stuck in your head. A follow can’t feel the dance when they’re in their head, thinking their way through every movement and so in trying not to fail we lose the opportunity for flow.
Leads you face a challenge too. You've been given a new way to walk and told not just where to go, but how to get there. You’re tasked with guiding your partner in a way that ensures they follow your lead and look good doing it. No pressure, right? When things go wrong, it can feel like it's all your fault. Holy crap, that’s a heavy burden to bear. If the dance falters, you feel like you’ve failed your partner. It’s no wonder so many people are scared to lead. But when you’re in your head, more worried about mistakes than enjoying the experience, it’s harder to connect with your partner which results in a lost follow and poorly led movements.
For both leads and follows, to truly succeed, we need to get out of our heads, relax, and enter a state of flow. When we’re in a state of fear or “trying,” flow is impossible.
Here are a few tips:
For the Leads:
Assume your follow wants to follow you. When you assume that the desire is there, it frees you from the worry that your follow might be “hijacking” the dance and allows any mistake to be simply a result of misread communication.
Remember why you’re here—to have fun. When you seek fun, your follow will naturally match that energy. So, smile, relax your shoulders, and let go of perfection.
Create a safe space for connection. Make sure you and your follow have a chance to get on the same page before you launch into moves. Make eye connection, smile and dance 20 seconds of a simple pattern or just the basic steps to help both of you feel grounded. This gives your follow the opportunity to feel and respond, instead of anticipating your moves or reacting out of confusion.
Give yourself permission to make mistakes. It's okay, mistakes are part of the process. Be clear and intentional with your direction, and also stay aware of your follow’s needs. Resist the temptation to rush the process.
For the Follows:
Embrace your role. Following means you get to relax. Own it. Following means directing the dance is out of your hands. Own it. Following means you flow. Own it and enjoy.
Seek connection. In the first 20 seconds of the dance, set your frame and make eye contact. Allowing your lead to know who and where you are will give them the boundaries they need to choreo a dance that you will enjoy.
Let go and have fun. As a follow, you don’t need to think about the next move; your job is to fill the space that’s given to you. When you’re enjoying yourself, your lead will feel more relaxed too, as we move into a shared state of play, mistakes become part of the process
When we add empathy, when we seek understanding, we reduce the fear within ourselves and in our partners. With less fear, we create space for more connection, more flow, and more joy!
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