As a dance instructor, I’ve had a front-row seat to observe a challenge of our modern times trickle onto the dance floor: the loss of defined roles. As we seek greater gender equality (which is great), I’ve found that many people are now confused about how to express their masculine and feminine energy without stepping on toes or losing themselves. How can I be all of me without asking for less of you?
This challenge shows up almost immediately on the dance floor. How do I lead a dynamic and powerful follower? How do I follow a calm and gentle lead? How do I bring my whole self while still allowing space for my partner? The answer lies in identifying our needs as a partner.
Teaching hundreds of couples has shown me that this fear and misunderstanding of expression is one of the biggest issues facing dancers. I’ve found that many leaders feel like their partner will do whatever she wants, regardless of their attempts to lead. “She likes to back lead. She doesn’t like to follow. She’d rather lead. She’s a tough cowgirl; I can’t tell her what to do!” Beneath the jokes there is resentment in the leaders. They want their partner to follow, but it isn’t happening. The only explanation they can come up with is that their partner doesn’t want to follow or is incapable of doing so because of her personality. How frustrating for leaders! They’ve been put into a leadership position but feel as though their partner doesn’t even want them to lead.
Followers don’t have it much easier. These statements evoke shame in the women trying to dance with their partners. What I see when these assumptions are spoken is full-bodied shame. Eyes, head, and shoulders drop—or guarded shame when the statement is turned into a joke. “Haha, yes, that’s me! I just like to have fun. I’m pretty independent.” Imagine showing up for a role and being told you don’t just avoid fulfilling it—you’re incapable of doing so, all because of how you appear in other areas. Imagine the mental effort it takes for these women in their first lesson to remain in the room or not counterattack with, “Well, I could follow better if you could lead!”
I’m extremely grateful for the honesty and vulnerability that’s shared with me in these opening conversations. As the third partner on the dance floor, I’m given a small peek into who this couple is and who they want to be. Believe it or not, who they want to be on the dance floor isn’t far off from who they want to be as a couple off the dance floor. As a dance instructor, my job is to create an environment and present the skills that allow them to develop into who they want to be on the dance floor.
With experience comes learning. I’ve identified a few approaches that are helpful for couples and single dancers who want to evolve their relationships through dance.
The Dance Contract
No signatures in blood, no secret handshakes (though maybe I should—sounds fun). I ask one simple question: Who is going to be the leader and who is going to be the follower? I need full agreement here before we move on, and it happens in seconds. In every couple I’ve ever taught, including same-gender couples, they already know who is the leader and who is the follower.
Defining the Needs of Our Roles
When we think of a leader in a two-person dynamic, we often envision one person issuing commands and the other following them. We often think of a leader in a positive light and a follower as lesser. Let's be clear here, the two are equally powerful and they cannot exist without each other.
For the purpose of this conversation, it’s helpful to remember that dance is an art form reliant on the expression of two energies. Hold on, it’s about to get fluffy. The energies we need to express fully on the dance floor are the masculine and the feminine. We aim to allow these roles to express themselves freely within the confines of the dance floor. The masculine or leader's job is to create an environment of safety, structure, and direction, while the feminine or follower's job is to fill this environment with beauty and flow.
When a leader is having trouble leading, there are three things they need:
Definition of Safety: What does this partnership need to ensure the follower feels safe enough to reach full expression and support my intentions? Is my partner committed?
Structure: What is the dance we are doing, and what are the steps?
Direction: Which direction are we going ?
For a follower to fully express themselves with beauty and flow, they need:
Safety: To feel safe from judgment within the partnership and physically safe in the environment.
Connection: To feel fully connected to their partner, to the music, and to the space.
Clear Direction: To know where they are being led.
Notice that the leader needs a committed partnership, and the follower needs connection. It’s incredibly hard for a leader to sink into their role if they’re uncertain that their follower is committed to following them. Regardless of a few missteps, a leader needs to know their follower will be there, seeking only to fill their role and support them, not to take over or abandon them after a mistake.
For followers, connection is key. They need to feel their partner is focused on providing a space where they can thrive, that the leader has their needs in mind, and that the leader hears the music and knows how to interpret it. Followers also need to feel the boundaries of “home base” (we’re going to do some crazy stuff, but we’ll always come back here) and to know where they’re going.
These two pieces are huge! Notice they are built on openness and vulnerability. They most likely will not be fully developed in one dance lesson. Leaders are being vulnerable by stepping out and risking that no one will follow them—or worse, that someone will follow, and as a leader they’ll mess it up. Followers are placing full trust in their leader to care for their physical being in a way that allows them to express themselves fully, for all the world to see. What if your full self is too much for your partner? What if people judge you for how you express yourself, or worse, judge your partner because of your expression? There’s that shame again.
Small and Simple Steps
If you are struggling with the roles of dancing, a great dance to learn is two-step.
Two-step is a highly structured but simple dance that demands the roles be respected. In the very first two-step lesson, dancers find themselves challenged to meet the needs of their partner in order for the dance to succeed. In two-step, the structure and direction are already set, leaving the partners’ main job to connect and commit to each other.
With simple and structured steps moving in a predetermined direction, we relieve the partners of structural concerns. With these pieces taken care of, the masculine can joyfully and actively create structure, while the feminine playfully flows into and creates beauty in the space created.
Set yourself up for success by choosing to master one thing at a time. Build confidence and trust through your mistakes, knowing that more will happen, and you and your partner will dance through them together.
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